For me personally, I found I actually liked the story "Beginning Dialogues", and that it made sense to me. I am not sure that it is so much that I relate to it, feel the same way, or what, but I just really found it to be a good writing that I enjoyed. As Derricotte talks about how she feels about her mothers death, I felt like I understood it. I realize that grief is the expected emotion when someone dies, but I do not think that that should be such a mandatory thing. Sometimes, for a persons individual life, it is easier or better for them when someone passes. Whether we admit it or not, there are some people in our lives who just make things harder for us. Now please do not misunderstand me, I do not wish that anyone would die just to make things easier for me. But it is a true statement that if someone were no longer a part of our lives, it would make things simpler, and that is understandable and acceptable.
Within the story, Dericotte does mention that there was a time when she did feel grief, primarily immediately after the death of her mother, but after that things change for her. She moved forward with her life, feeling almost as if she was free of an enormous burden, placed on her by her mother. Not that her mother was a bad person or anything, she just did not always make things easier for Derricotte.
For me, being someone who has been to more than a couple funerals, I do not feel as much grief as I might even have hoped. This is something that saddens me. Now, because of my faith, if I know that the person who passed shared my faith, than I need not feel grief, for they have taken a step forward that I am near jealous of. But when it comes to people who I am not super close to, but I know to some extent and love, I find it hard to find that grief. I have always struggled with showing much emotion, especially anything that might make me vulnerable. Because of that, while funerals have been hard for me, I have always refrained from thinking about it or feeling to much. Because of this, I am not sure that I have ever really grasped the magnitude of death, primarily because it has never been someone who I had an intimate or personal relationship with. I just managed to accept it, feel some grief, and then move on. I guess it never hit home for me. Because of all this, when I see Derricotte's reaction to the death of her mother, it sort of makes sense to me, because like her, after the initial shock, death loses its sting for me pretty quickly, and I just incorporate the experience into my life. I remember the person, I never forget them, but I move forward, doing my best to learn and move on.
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I know exactly what you are talking about when you mention that there is greif in people dying, but you feel happy as well if you know the person shared your faith. This gives a person a sense of closure, knowing that person is in a better place, and all their sorrow is now gone. Of course I think that dying and death are things that are hard to process and get through. It is something that can take time, or sometimes it passes quickly. Most of the time if it passes quickly I beleive it is because people choose not to deal with it, but they will find that they have to at one point in time and this will be just as hard as if it were right that instant. People grieve differently. Just because someone gets over soemthing more quickly than others does not mean they didn't love or care for that person any less than anyone else, it just means they dealt differently, or maybe they just aren't showing their true emotions. I do not at all think it is a bad thing to feel like a weight has been lifted when someone dies, soemtime if people are really sick it is hard on the people around them, it drains them and everyone around them.So seeng them lave although, upsetting is also a big releif.
ReplyDeleteUnlike you I have not yet experienced many deaths in my life. I have only experienced two one in the family which was my grandmothers when I was younger and one from a acquaintance in high school. When that person in high school passed away I was saddened but only because it really made me stop to think. This person died a week right before we had graduated high school. It made me realize that we should not taken for granted not only that but I could not help but just think about his family and what they must be going through. I felt for his parents and their loss. My grandmother lived in Mexico and I never really saw her. So I did not really feel as bad, although I am really sad to say that I wish I did. It could have been because she was older and had lived a good life. I think I even felt a little more hurt for the guy in high school because he was just young and it was because he died right before one of his first milestones in life. From the experiences that I have had in my life and death I can say that I agree with you about how we have a first initial shock but over time it some what dissipates. However I believe that in my life I will have to deal with death and that it will not always be easy if anything it might get harder.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing you haven't lost anyone very close to you yet, truly that is a gift. It gives you a unique perspective on the concept. I think you're also right in saying Derricotte does miss her Mom in a sense but does realize that she didn't exactly make her life any easier, it's true for many close relationships I think. I've lost someone close to me, a sister, and strange as it seems I couldn't find that grief response either. You say it's your faith and that they're are making the transition you're almost jealous of but for me it was simply this numbness that spread through me. I couldn't feel much of anything, I was glad in a way because she'd been suffering horribly for years against cancer and was finally at peace but all the same she was my sister so I missed her. I think it's important for people to remember that when you lose someone close or not, there can't really be an expected reaction. The way each of us deals with loss and grief is so different I can't understand how there could ever be a right or wrong way to respond.
ReplyDeleteYour blog really made me think about death in itself and that it’s socially acceptable to grieve over someone’s death. And I know how you feel, there are times where I feel guilty if I go to a funeral and not shed a single tear. But I’ve learned that everyone does grieve differently, if they even grieve at all. I remember when I was younger, I grew up thinking that I had to cry at funerals and if I didn’t, I felt like everyone thought I was cold-hearted. But then I started getting more involved in the ceremonies and even played music for my great-uncles funeral and it really helped me deal with his passing, even though I didn’t know him well. I learned that music was my personal way of coping with death, and I think everyone has their own way of dealing with it. I also agree with you in keeping the memories of those who have passed on close to the heart. I was raised to keep them close to my heart, keep my loved ones in a special place in my heart for them. In my opinion, doing this keeps their influence in my life and keeps their spirit alive and I live their legacy for them.
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